I've Said My Peace

I just had one of the most frankful conversations I ever had with my parents. This may sound like a big statement in itself and it's supposed to be liberating and rewarding. And it is in some sense but not for the most part.

After weeks of attempts to skirt and evade a sensitive topic and shove it into a wardrobe, it seemed that it did not hold well at all. Rather, the accusations, certain treasured secrets and exposure of lies and deceit burst right out and slammed us in our smug faces.

Defeated and worn down, we finally stopped pretending that everything was okay. And we got to the topic at hand- K, my ex- girlfriend and I.

This was never an easy relationship to begin. At the back of my mind, I knew that it may inevitably end up badly and everyone will be miserable. But I was (am) young, willing to believe and was selfish enough to desire and pursue after, despite.

After my family found out about our relationship and several chaos followed after, involving what seems like to be an illicit love affair and strong (aggressive even) objections from my family, we really broke it off for good. It was an amicable but very painful breakup. And to add to that, I had lost my family's trust and faith in me. I made certain decisions then that I was not proud of and now I do have to deal with the ramifications.

My parents are still convinced that it was impossible for me to ever want another girl. I had never in my life shown signs of it or proclaimed to be one. (In fact, I am especially fond of male eye candies but that's a different story for another day.)

However, unbeknown to them or most of my close ones, I had formed my own set of values and beliefs since an impressionable age. I had carefully aligned the importance of gender on the same page as skin colors, family lineages, hair colors even, for reference to any future partners and friends likewise.

Instead, thoughts like: "Are they sweet and funny? Strong-willed and determined? Do they prefer lemon curd or strawberry jam?" mattered much more to me. (I know this may sound all mushy and girly but it's always been this way for me and nothing else.)

I chose to believe that gender itself is secondary only to the really important factors that I based on choosing a partner.

I chose to fall in love with the person itself. Not restricted to which side of the gene pool they fall into, be it XY or XX.

I chose not to stick a label on myself,be it a lesbian or bisexual or even very confused person.

When this ideology of mine was revealed to my parents tonight, they seemed outrageously shocked. It seemed like an unspoken betrayal on my part that I had not inherited either the strict and rigid self-discipline from my militant father or the gentle disposition on my mother's side, and instead I had this.

It is a battle everyday to hold on to my own set of beliefs and not caved in to normalcy.

Regardless, that was still my first. The first time when attraction, laughter, confusion, absolution, desire, exhilaration and despair all mingled and bought to me within a single person.

It may have ended too soon for us as lovers but I believe it is not too late for us to be friends still.